HERO: The Journal of General Job Adjusting
Issue IV
3 Crowns
How to Improve your Career as a Hero for Hire!
Special Hallowe'en Issue

Hey Hero-type Dudes and Dudettes!

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* Do you have a hard time attracting fab babes or real hunks when you can
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your order or my name isn't Carl Atlas, Boss of the Buff!


The Hero as an Artform 
by Fish Crawdad, "Ze Greatest Hero in Ze World"

Time was when anyone with a sword or a spell could go around calling himself
a Hero.   All you had to do was fight a dragon or two, rescue a princess
maybe, and you were set for life.  Well, we've come a long way since those
days and being a Hero in today's monster-eat-monster environment means more
than just swinging a weapon and hitting your target.  In this essay, I'll
explore what it takes to be the best you can be in the Hero business.

To Be or Not To Be
Why did you ever want to be a Hero in the first place?  To have endless
opportunities to wade through monster guts and goo, sweating through
sweltering swamps, and hacking through hordes of horrific hobgoblins to
receive no more than a pat on the back and a hearty "Well Done!" as rewards?
Or perhaps you saw yourself surrounded by bodacious babes or handsome hunks
who swoon over your masterly muscles and bulging biceps?   How about having
mysterious mystical maids or men marveling over your mastery of magic?
Would you believe you wanted to sneak silently into the Sultan's Harem or
Military Barracks after visiting hours?

If your idea of Heroism is more than mere gore and a handshake, then you
will have to go beyond the average Studly Doright, Mickey Mage, or Sneaky
Feetie.   You'll have to prove to the world you are not just another
mediocre good guy.  It's no longer a matter of what you do, but of how you
do it, and what you look like doing it.

State of the Art
We've all heard that sad story about Herbert the Hero who fought his way
through millions of murderous minions, climbed the outside of the Tower of
Indomitable Circumstance one-handed during a hurricane, defeated the evil
vile wizard Mordecai the Mad, banished the invincible Demon Asmodeus to the
netherworld and rescued a stray cat only to be passed up for promotion when
raise time came around.  It happens all too often in our profession.

What it comes down to is this -- Who would believe "Herbert the Hero"?
Hercules the Hero, certainly, Heimdall the Hero, naturally, but Herbert?

You can't just be the Hero part, you've got to look and sound the Hero as
well.   So, develop those deltoids as well as your back-swing, practice
magical gestures in the mirror to improve your mysterious moody manner, and
learn how to disarm deadly devious traps while smiling nonchalantly and
juggling your spare lockpicks in your other hand.  If you are going to do
something, do it with panache.

Oh, yeah, and change your name while you're at it.


Bun Building for the Very Buff
by Carl Atlas

So you say you are a hot fighter, a swell swinger of swords and basher of
monster brains?  You've got muscles that strain the limits of your chainmail
and you can out-armwrestle an Ogre.  You've practiced your weaponry and
defense until you can fight Trolls with your eyes closed.  You've reached
the limits of human development and the only way you could possibly improve
your beefy bod would be with certain illegal alchemical derivatives of
animal hormones which might ruin your health.  Does that match your
description?

Guess again.

If you are a typical fighting man, you've honed your fighting skills and
really built up all of your upper body muscles.  However, how much time and
energy have you devoted to developing your legs and thighs?  There's nothing
more pathetic than the burly, bulging, bicep-bound beefcake falling over at
the first snap of a Dragon's tail because his legs were too scrawny to
sustain his balance.   Many a gallant gladiator has met an untimely defeat
for lack of developing his feet.  Don't let this happen to you.

Climbing mountains and stairs can give your legs a start at true muscle
making, but it takes something more to build the gorgeous gluteus maximus
and definitive deltoids of a real hunk.  If you want to reach the apex of
athletic accomplishment, you need to use my "Atlas High Thigh Stair Stepper
and Levered Leg Lifter (tm)".

After working out just a few minutes each day and gradually increasing the
amount of weight on your "Atlas High Thigh Stair Stepper and Levered Leg
Lifter (tm)", you'll discover bulges you never believed could be developed.
When this is combined with a daily regimen of running and monster mashing,
your fine physique will practically pulsate with power.  Your strength will
sky-rocket and your stamina will stretch until you surge from halfway hardy
hunkitude to sensational super stud.

So order one for your local gymnasium or Adventurers' Guild today and check
it out.  You won't regret it.  In just seven days, it won't just make you a
man, it'll make you into a mammoth.


Ask Mr. Mannerly -- The Paladin's Answerperson
by Magnifico Mannerly, P. D.

Dear Mr. Mannerly,
I am one tough dude.   My favorite sports are Dragon Erasing and Barbarian
Bashing.  I'm a card-carrying member of the E.O.F  (Eternal Order of
Fighters) and a three-time winner of the annual Village Pillage belt.
I'm listed in "Who's Who in Mercenaries, Freebooters, and Fortune Hunters".
I'm always ready and willing to rescue a maiden or save a city, providing
the price is right.

So if I decided to pursue a career as a Paladin, what's in it for me?
-- Hands Sollo

My Dear Mr. Sollo,
There are many advantages to becoming a Paladin.  The ability to sense
danger and emotional currents gives a Paladin a real edge in avoiding
embarrassing accidents.  The magical aura of the "Flaming Paladin Sword"
can affect even the most ethereal of enemies, once you have received such
a sword from another qualified Paladin.  "Healing Hands" will frequently be
useful in the event of serious injury, although it does draw upon your
stamina to use them.  "Protection from Magic" will aid you against those
nasty offensive spells when you have built up enough Paladin Points to use
it.   And there's no doubt that "Honor Shield" will help you deflect the
slings and arrows of outrageous fortune when you have gained enough honor
to use it.  Once again, the Paladin earns the ability to use these spells
through the exhibition and accrual of honor and can just as easily lose them
through dishonorable acts.

However, I'm not certain that pursuing a career in Paladinhood is the ideal
profession for you.  Considering the fact that a Paladin must be trust-
worthy, helpful, truthful, cheerful, thoughtful, lawful, honest, pure, and
brave, you might find it difficult giving up your scoundrel status.  Plus,
since a Paladin does good deeds from the goodness of his or her heart rather
than for the monetary reward, your income level would drop significantly.
You are probably better suited for pursuing a profession as a Politician
rather than as a Paladin.

Dear Mr. Mannerly,
I am a damsel in distress.  I have fallen in love with Persifal, a young
Paladin.  He's cute and very sweet, but he's forever breaking dates to go
off and banish demons or restore the true heirs to various thrones, or so
he says.  What's more, the last time we went to the Harvest Ball together,
he caused a terrible scandal and much gossip by dancing with the widow of
the exiled ex-ruler of this land.  As I'm sure you realize, it is forbidden
to even speak with her, let alone dance, and besides, she looked positively
ghastly in her old dress.  I thought Paladins were never supposed to break
laws and have to always be good!  Instead, he disobeyed the new king's edict
and embarrassed me in front of everyone,  just because he thought the law
was unfair and the widow looked unhappy.  (She looked repulsive, actually.)
Does this mean Percy isn't a real Paladin, and has been lying to me all this
time about his "good" deeds?
-- Bothered and Bewildered

Dear Miss Bewildered,
Allow me to reassure you, Percy sounds like the perfect Paladin.  Many
people are confused by the "Paladin Code of Ethics".

A Paladin is bound by Honor to do what is Good rather than what is lawful.
If the Laws of the Land interfere with the Rights of the Individual, it is
the Paladin's duty to support the Individual's inalienable rights to life,
liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  And who better to judge this than
the True Paladin?

However, life with a Paladin is not an easy thing.  If an Ogre family moves
into the neighborhood, your boyfriend will be there first with the welcome
wagon.  After all, you can't judge an individual by racial stereotypes.
You'll be continually surprised at just what gets invited to dinner at a
Paladin's house.  Paladins are forever being called away in the middle of
the night on house calls to cure the ills of neighboring kingdoms.  And
Paladins are forever giving away their allowances to charity.  All in all,
if you want someone who is a good provider, dependable, there when you need h
im, and socially acceptable, you are better off marrying the garbage
collector than a Paladin.


Who's Who in the Wizard's World: 

An Interview with Erasmus and Fenris
In the world of wizardry, Erasmus and his familiar, Fenris the rat, are
widely recognized as the greatest magical team since Merlin and Archimedes
the owl.  Best known for his invention of the "Razzle Dazzle" spell and his
sponsorship of "Erasmus' Rootin' Tootin' Root Beer", Erasmus has his summer
home on Zauberberg Mountain in Spielburg Valley.  He and Fenris spend their
winters in their modest Wizard Tower in Silmaria.  He is always ready to
lend a helping hand (or a guiding light) to aspiring Wizards.

JGJA: Other than yourself, of course, who do you think are the most
influential members of the magical community?

Erasmus: Well, of course, when one thinks about magic, one could hardly do
better (after my own all-too-modest self) than to think of Erana.  Prior to
her unfortunate disappearance some years ago, Erana made quite a reputation
for herself by creating areas of safety in many lands.  Mind you, going
around making magical gardens and things is a little trivial for a major
mage, don't you think?

Fenris: As opposed to making  Root Beer?

Erasmus: It takes real skill to make good Root Beer -- you have to keep the
little bubbles from getting loose.  At any rate, Erana was supposed to be
half Faerie Folk, which explains her extraordinary magical talent.  She
never did settle down in a typical Wizard tower, but instead wandered around
helping people and doing spells of great wonder and beauty.   Rumor has it
she died trying to drive a Dark One back to its own world.  Pity.

On the other hand, for future promise, there's the young man I sponsored
into the Wizards' Institute of Technocery a while ago.  He has distinguished
himself through Heroism and clever use of spells in lands ranging from
Spielburg to Shapeir and Tarna.  But let's wait and see how he continues to
develop his skills before naming any names.

Fenris: Making certain he has made a real name for himself before you start
dropping it, eh?

JGJA: But what about the so-called "dark side" of magic?  Are there any Evil
Sorcerers of particular note?

Erasmus: Well, one of the most promising (in a foul, unappetizing way) was
Ad Avis, the sorcerer who brought Raseir to its knees.  But he was in fact
defeated, and nothing has been seen of him since.  Perhaps of more concern
is Ad Avis's mysterious "Dark Master", who was cast out of WIT for summoning
nameless horrors and performing unspeakable rites.  Since they are, in fact,
quite unspeakable, I may say no more.

Fenris: Say no more, then.

JGJA: And where is this "Dark Master" now?

Erasmus: Well, nobody knows for sure, but rumor has it that the Dark Master
is currently holed up in an abandoned castle somewhere in the Land of
Mordavia.  It might be best for tourists to avoid that area this year.

JGJA: A sound suggestion, indeed!  Speaking of things to avoid, what should
one of our readers do should he come face-to-face with a spell-resistant
monster?

Erasmus: My best advice is to be prepared and know one's enemies.  It's poor
strategy to try to Calm an Undead creature, for example -- there's nothing
quite so relaxed as an opponent that's already dead!  Wet and slimy monsters
aren't much bothered by flame, and creatures that use chilling attacks
generally don't mind being frozen in return.

Fenris: You can't roast a ghost or cool a ghoul, so to speak.

Erasmus: Most importantly, always be ready to improvise!  Sometimes a
situation arises in which the normal combat spells just won't suffice.  When
that happens, be prepared to use normally peaceful spells in unusual ways.
Sometimes having access to the right Magical Staff will provide additional
options to a cornered Wizard.  When in doubt, run away and live to cast
another day!

JGJA: That advice should ensure that a few more of our readers survive to
renew their subscriptions!  In closing, what's the single most important
piece of advice you would give to an aspiring Archmage?

Erasmus: The most important thing is to always practice one's spelling.  It
can be very embarrassing to come up to the final encounter against an evil
Demon Wizard and then accidentally cast a "Lame Art" spell instead of a
"Flame Dart".

Fenris: You only made that mistake once.

Erasmus: I did not!  It was a "Lost Sight" rather than a "Frost Bite".  And
I was only blinded for a few seconds.  But, seriously, practice makes
perfect, or at least a lot better.  Every time a trained Magic User casts a
spell, he or she gains a little more proficiency with that spell.  In
addition, casting any spell helps build one's magical talent and
intelligence.

Fenris: More spell tries make for swell guys?

Erasmus: I prefer to put it, "He who casts fast lasts best."


Basic Spellbinding:  

What's Hot and What's Not

Magic is a skill which requires brains and common sense as well as talent.
Knowing what to cast and when to cast it is the mark of a true mage.
Researching your spells thoroughly to know their weaknesses and strengths
will vastly improve your chance of survival when casting magic in critical
situations.  Here is a guide to some of the most common spells and how best
to use them.

Flame Dart  (Offensive Spell)  This is the Magic User's Main Flame.  Useful
for immolating monsters, it uses few mana points and is useful in and out of
close combat.  On the other hand, ethereal creatures such as ghosts, and
slimy things such as slugs, are relatively immune.

Zap  (Offensive Spell)  This underrated little spell must be cast upon a
weapon and then the weapon must be used in close combat to release the
magical charge, which means it isn't very popular with the "Stay Away" Mage.
On the other hand, Zap can do damage to creatures normally unaffected by
normal weapons.  Try casting it on your weapon before you go into combat,
and you'll always have an extra spark to short circuit a Spectre or jolt a
Giant.

Lightning Ball  (Offensive Spell) This is slightly less cost-effective than
Flame Dart, but can be built up to cause greater damage with a lot of
practice.  Lightning Ball is most useful when attacking creatures that
resist fire damage.

Force Bolt  (Offensive Spell)  This spell does use up the mana points, but
if you need to cast a spell with some punch to it, this is the one for you.
As long as a monster is corporeal, this spell can knock its block in.  A
Force Bolt can be used to push or knock over an object at a distance, so
you can also use it to knock down loose branches from tree tops and to
perform other useful chores.

Whirlwind  (Offensive Spell)  This very impressive spell creates a powerful
tornado effect at the targeted location. With advanced skill in the spell,
this becomes one of the most powerful forces to the Magic User. Whirlwind
requires such a great expenditure of Mana that few Wizards can cast it
without the aid of a magical staff.

Frost Bite  (Offensive Spell, Area Affect)  This is the only combat spell
that can effect more than one creature at a time, assuming the monsters are
close to one another.  It is particularly useful against fiery creatures
such as Fire Lizards.  However, it doesn't work well against things which
are unnaturally cold, so don't try it against a Frost Giant or the Undead.

Dazzle  (Offensive Spell, Area Affect)  If the beast you are fighting has
eyes, "Erasmus's Razzle Dazzle" can blind it and put it temporarily out of
action.  This can be used in both distance and close combat.  However, many
magical creatures are not affected, so don't even think of Dazzling a Demon.

Reversal  (Defensive Spell)  This spell is great against magic-using monsters
and Evil Wizards.  It will reflect a spell cast at you and send it back to
the spellcaster.  However, don't think this will protect you completely in
a magical battle.  Area affect spells are not reflected, since they are not
targeted directly at you.

Calm  (Defensive Spell, Area Affect)  The Calm spell will take the aggression
out of even the most fearsome of creatures, as long as it's alive and at a
distance.  As long as the spell is active, and you don't attack, the monster
will contemplate its navel rather than fighting.  Don't even think of
casting it in close combat though.  Even the calmest creatures get hungry.

Aura  (Defensive Spell)  This spell protects you against the dreaded Undead.
While Ghosts and Ghouls can still harm you, you will be shielded from their
special attacks (such as those which drain your strength).  If you
absolutely, positively can't avoid the Undead, don't leave home without this
spell.

Hide  (Defensive Spell)  This is the spell to cast when you are being chased
by a monster and really need to get away.  When you Hide, as long as you
don't move, most monsters won't even know you are there.  It doesn't work
against the Undead though.

Protection  (Defensive Spell)  This acts as a magical shield in combat, and
can really help reduce damage from wicked, sharp claws and teeth.   If you
can't get out of a fight, make certain you go into it with this spell.

Resistance  (Defensive Spell)  This spell reduces the damage you take from
element-based magical attacks such as fire, lightning, and cold.   It can
also protect you somewhat from the actual elements in nature.  Learn this
spell; it's irresistible!

Levitate  (General Spell)  This spell allows you to rise to the occasion.
You'll float weightlessly in the air, able to go up or down at will.
However, levitation takes true concentration, and while you can grab onto
something near you, you will not be able to perform more complicated actions
(such as casting other spells).  Also, don't forget, this spell uses Mana
points continually, so don't leave yourself suspended over a monster when
your magic runs out.

Detect Magic (General Spell)  This allows you to detect magical objects and
things which have spells cast upon them.  Many a magically hidden item has
been found by the wise Mage who knows how useful this spell can be.

Fetch  (General Spell)  This spell retrieves any small, unattached object
you can see.  Your magical lasso can pick up objects from dangerous places
where you'd rather not go.

Open  (General Spell)  This is another versatile spell that will unlock and
open a door, chest, or similar closed object, setting off any traps in the
process.  As long as you aren't next to the trap you set off, you won't be
hurt.  However, the Open spell does not affect magically locked doors or
those bolted on the other side.

Trigger  (General Spell)  This spell is most useful when used with the
Detect Magic spell.  Magical spells cast on items can be set off by casting
this spell upon them.  This is particularly useful against magical traps,
but don't forget, many magic users like to set up secret spells for special
occasions.  You never know just what you might discover when you Trigger
another Mage's spells.

Juggling Lights  (General Spell)  This spell creates a light display which
will illuminate the darkest situation, but only for a few moments.

Summon Staff  (General Spell)  For the Magic User with an enchanted Staff,
this is an invaluable spell.  Your Magical Staff will only appear when you
need it; otherwise, your Staff is safely hidden away from those nasty
Trigger spells and other attacks.

Glide  (General Spell)  This spell operates when you step upon a liquid
surface.  You will be able to skate around upon water as if it were solid
ice.  While it does use up mana points rapidly, it beats having to swim
across rivers or burn your feet on hot lava.


Confessions of a Master Thief
by Matt "The Cat"  MacMaster

Okay, so you want to be a Master Thief like me,  yeah, sure, I know, I heard
it a thousand times before.  So you work on your climbing, your sneaking,
even your lock-picking, and think you're really hot to trot.  You practice
the Thief Sign until you can do it in your sleep.  You got your lockpick
kit and your oil for greasing squeaks, your rope and grapnel for getting
up steep walls, and figure you got everything you need.  That's what you
think.

Let's get this straight.  I'm a real Master Thief, and I know a lot more
than punk kids like you.  So clean out your ears, sit down, and shut up
while I'm talking.

First of all, there's your lockpick kit.  What's going to happen to you the
first time your try to pick a lock that has a trap on it?  You're right.
Poison traps get the rookie every time.    You need to get yourself an Acme
Mark II Toolkit with the Trap Disarming Tools.  It takes some practice to
learn how to find and disarm traps without seriously killing yourself, so
visit your local Thieves' Guild and spend some time trying out their traps
first.  If you survive, you'll be a better Thief for it.

Next on the list of things you got to do well is Acrobatics.  You never
know when a flip and a twirl will save your life.  Whether you're trying
to cross a burning tightrope, or to leap an alley between building tops as
you run away from the coppers, Acrobatics is something you can't do without.

Then there's Thief Marks.  Those are the things a smart crook uses to
communicate with fellow members of his profession, seeing as how most of
you can't read.  Those are the scratches made in the wall and the floor
which warn you to look out for things.  If you don't look for them, you
won't know what you missed.

Finally, there's pickpocketing.  Howsoever, seeing as how I could write a
whole article on that subject, I'm going to do so.  That way I make more
money, see?  So you are going to have to get the next issue to find out
more about that.

Don't forget, Thieving is not just having a good body and slippery fingers.
It takes real brains, too.   That's why I'm hot and you're not.  I use the
muscles between my ears for more than holding up my hat.  If you know what's
good for you, you will, too.

Signs of the Crimes : Thief Marks
by Dick "the Slick" Millhouse
So you got caught and thrown in prison, locked away for the rest of your
natural born life.  Your only consolation is that no one yet knows that you
have brought shame and dishonor to your family, will cause your father to
enter an early grave and then turn somersaults in the tomb for eternity,
and set yourself up for your mother to blame all the misfortunes, bad luck,
ill weather, sisters-not-marrying-a-doctor, brother-failing-to-pass-the-bar-
exam sort of problems that are going to happen to your relatives.

Don't lose hope.  After all, there isn't a prison that some other thief has
not done time in.  Look around you.  See that scratch on the wall?  That,
kid, is your key to getting out of here.  Assuming of course, you can
figure out what it means.

Thief Marks are a good Thief's way of letting other guys know he was here
first.  That way, he can let others know about dangerous situations or
information they should know, and at the same time say, "Ha, Ha, I was here
before you, neener, neener, neener!"  It lets them feel superior while
performing a useful service for others.

What to Look for in a Thief Mark

Thief Marks are usually scratched into the wall, table, floor, ceiling,
safe, or whatever, using the point of the dagger.  Works of Art they ain't.
Still, crude as they are, they can save your life, so don't knock 'em.

There are certain standard conventions to making Marks.  If it is a symbol
in a box, it probably represents something in the room.   Numbers imply
some-thing needs to be done in a certain order.  Things on top of other
things imply a relationship between the parts.  Lots of blood indicates
someone got careless making his Mark.

So if you see some writing on the wall (or the floor, or the ceiling), take
another look.  It could be someone's way of telling you, "Watch out,
schmuck!"

A Pictorial Presentation of Some Typical Thief Marks

Up Arrow	= Something Up
Down Arrow	= Something Down
TG		= Thieves' Guild
Skull and Crossbones = Danger
Lit Round Bomb	= Trap
Eye		= Look


Mordavian Nights by October Derleth

Have you been nervous lately?   Having trouble sleeping because of strange,
skittering noises in the walls and voices gibbering unpronounceable words
in the middle of the night?  Self-conscious because people seem to be
staring suspiciously at you everywhere you go?  Feel like you need a nice,
long stay in a clean, well-padded room, or at least a vacation?  Well, then,
don't go to Mordavia.

Mordavia is a small valley nestled amidst the Malignant Mountains to the
south, the Carpathologic Mountains to the west, the Aphotic Alps to the
north, and the Heinous Hills to the east.  There is but one pathway to this
valley and as it is currently cut off by a mephitic and quagmire-filled
swamp, entrance to Mordavia is rather difficult.  This isolation, though,
creates an atmosphere of fear and mistrust that will add immensely to the
emotional state you will experience here.

From the abandoned Castle Borgov, whose last inhabitant disappeared under,
shall we say, mysterious and suspicious circumstances, to the malevolent
Monastery of the Mad Monk, to the uncanny and horrific Mouth of the Dark
One, Mordavia has everything to put that spine-tingling chill in your blood
and the delirium of incipient madness into your mind.

The town of Mordavia, too, has much to offer.  You will be most welcomed at
the Hotel Mordavia.  Such a lovely place.  The garlic hanging from the eaves
gives this inn a festive appearance, as if every day were Hallowe'en.
You'll meet the colorful natives, who will greet you with such apprehensive
stares and furtive glances that they will soon have you feeling right at
home among them.  Be sure to visit the local Mad Scientist.  You're sure to
have an electrifying and illuminating experience there.

On the sightseeing tour, there is nothing quite like seeing the cemetery by
moonlight.  You never know whom you might run into there, after all.  If
you are very fortunate, you may catch a glimpse of various inhabitants
rising from their graves to greet the darkness.  Do not attempt to feed the
Undead, for they rapidly develop a taste for human flesh, and that does
wreak havoc upon the Tourist Trade.

All in all, you won't find a more interesting or exciting vacation paradise
than the Land of Mordavia.  Be thankful for small favors.

Call of Avoozl and the Cult of Amon Tillado 
by P. H. Craftlove

When Aeons pass where the Dark Things Lurk,
And Mindless Servants do meaningless work,
The ancient men will develop a quirk,
And Everyone else will just look like a jerk,
Then shall Avoozl arise from the Murk!
			The Necrophilicon

Of all the so-called Dark Ones, Avoozl is certainly one of the darkest.
"Ye shall know Avoozl cometh when the very sun itself doth fear to show its
face, and the Shadows of Darkness covereth the earth," or so wrote the
notorious Mad Monk, Amon Tillado, before his unfortunate demise when he
choked on a piece of cuttlefish.  The study of the Cult of Amon Tillado is
a object lesson of the fact that some things are better left unsaid,  some
deeds better left undone and some articles best left unwritten.

Amon Tillado was first heard of when he founded a Monastery in the faraway
village of Mordavia hidden away in the valley of  Mordavia.  Little did the
peaceful residents of this quaint little town realize the monstrous
magnitude of the effect this malefic menage of morbid monks would make
upon their fragile lives.  For Amon Tillado drew into his hideous halls
the myriad kooks and crackpots who seek desperately for someone to tell
them what to think and do.  And so they gathered like famished vultures
around rotten carrion to worship unmentionable things and perform unsanitary
rites.

Even the Boyar of the land was drawn into this maelstrom of monstrosity.
For Barishnikov Vasiliovitch Borgov (or  "Barney" as he was known to close
acquaintances) was a most ambitious man.  He thought that by encouraging
the cult, he could draw many a curious and wealthy stranger into Mordavia,
thereby sending real estate prices skyrocketing, and he would thus accrue a
tidy profit from "Location, location, location."  Little did Barney realize
that he, too, would be drawn into a horror only the criminally insane or
writers whose names end in King could ever comprehend.

For one dark, dreary day in the dire month of October, Amon Tillado croaked.  

The Monks were thrown into chaos.   Without the Mad Monk himself to lead
them, they had no one to tell them what to do.   Then did Barney comprehend
the magnitude of disaster looming over his brilliant schemes of land
development and urban renewal.  Thus did Barney become High Priest of this
unnatural and unwholesome cult.

So came the accursed, atrocious, and acrimonious moment when Barney heard
the Call of Avoozl, and answered it!  The sun did hide behind black,
foreboding clouds and the wind did wail with the caterwauling of cacophonous
cries the day the cult began the vile and hopelessly sinister summoning to
draw Avoozl into this world.  Muttering unspeakably muffled shibboleths, the
insane and misguided monks approached Mount Malign, a tall promontory south
of town.  Entering a small cave in the side of this mountain, they began the
horrid rituals to evoke Avoozl's arrival.  Heedless of the potential disaster
and destruction of this world as we know it, the Monks prepared to do the
deed of dire doings.  Avoozl waited... and the mountain top writhed in
anxious anticipation.

Then did the Mage Erana come, accompanied by the Paladin Piotyr and
righteous armies of the surrounding areas.  Drawn by the maelstrom of
malevolent magic, summoned by the sound of sordid speeches, beckoned by the
baneful and brackish blackness that besmirched the sky, these daring and
undaunted do-gooders were determined to drive the Dark One back to its
distant abode.

But they arrived too late.  Already the cave was altering, mutating into the
awful aspect of Avoozl.   The armies met with the maddened monks who too
were changed by the rituals.  What were once humans, albeit rather moronic
and hopelessly malleable ones, now had become creatures of such horrible
appearance that even the sturdiest of the stalwart soldiers lost their
lunches and blew chunks.

Hopelessly outnumbered and unmanned, yet did the good guys face the
horrendous odds.  The Mage Erana herself battled with the very essence of
Avoozl.  On and on into the endless night did the combatants con-tend,
while the world awaited the outcome in flustered frustration.

At long last, the feeble rays of a hesitant sun broke over the eastern
mountains.  From the cave mouth of the Dark One, a single man came crawling,
bearing a Wizard's Staff.  Piotyr the Paladin returned with all that
remained of Erana.

To this day, when the moon is dark, and the winds are still, strange things
can be seen near the Cave of the Dark One.  Forms and shapes of things that
were once human still lurk in the vicinity, whispering in the night strange
tales of a High Priest that did not die, but waits within the dark confines
of the cavern, guarding a ritual that will someday again be used to summon
the very shadows of darkness themselves.  For is it not written, "In his
vacation resort at Club Dead, Avoozl lies twitching"?

Mythical Monsters of Mordavia : Folk Tale or Fallacy?
by Robber Graves

Since the days when the Cult of Amon Tillado first raised dark powers above
the Land of Mordavia, the area has been overrun with hideous hordes of
aberrant abominations.  This actually makes it easy to recommend a strategy
for dealing with Mordavian monsters -- stay out of Mordavia!

However, for those unfortunates who find themselves lost in that dark land,
here are some tips for surviving the inevitable onslaught of ornery
antagonists.  So as to reduce the incidence of fatal strokes among the more
timid of our readers, we've arranged the writeup to start with the mildly
mischievous, work its way up through the moderately malevolent, and finish
with the most massively murderous of the Mordavian monsters.

Domovoi
This Slavic house spirit inhabits many family residences in this region.
Harmless and occasionally helpful, Domovoi are seldom seen or heard.
Should you actually meet a Domovoi, you will do well to follow any advice
it gives you.

Leshy 
This spirit of the forest has a very mischievous nature and is quick to
play tricks upon the unwary traveler.  Leshy are renowned for their love of
riddles, and can be helpful to those who guess the right answers.  Never let
a Leshy make you mad!

Rusalka 
This spirit of a young woman who died drowning swims in the waters that
became her grave.  She tries to lure others with her obvious charms to share
her fate.  While the charms are plentiful, the fate is unpleasant.  There is
supposed to be a way to release a Rusalka to her proper rest, but the method
is lost in legend.

Faerie Folk 
These magical beings remain aloof from mankind, and dwell in remote areas.
However, they have been known to interact with humans, providing they want
something.  Faerie Folk are often powerful magic users, especially in spells
of illusion.

Hexapods 
These strange octopus-like creatures are extremely rare, always hungry, and
frequently dangerous.  Recognize a Hexapod by its six tentacles and try not
to become one's lunch!

Vorpal Bunnies 
These seemingly cute and innocent little furry animals have nasty, sharp
teeth and a taste for blood.  Also known as Killer Rabbits, Leaping Lepuses,
and Hares having a bad hair day.

Badders 
These weird creatures look like bats crossed with spiders; they are small,
fast and come in flocks.  They are relatively easy to kill, assuming you
can hit them.  Their bite is poisonous, and they attack by swooping by their
prey and biting them in passing.  After their prey falls, they all land on
the corpse to feed.

Antwerps 
These bizarre and absurd creatures are far too ridiculous to describe.
Whatever you do, don't attack one with a sharp or pointed object -- the
results will be explosive to say the least!

Revenants 
These are low-power Vampires.  They are undead creatures that have no
memory of what they were before they died.  They only know the hunger for
living flesh that drives them out of their graves at night.  They may look
like walking corpses, but they're far more vicious and bloodthirsty than any
mere Zombie.

Wyverns 
Wyverns are relatives of Dragons.  They are smaller and do not have hind
legs.  Their bodies are long and snake-like, the wings bat-like.  They
attack with their teeth, claws, and the poisonous sting at the end of their
tail.  Their poison can quickly weaken even the strongest Hero, so be sure
to have a Poison Cure potion on hand.

Chernovy 
These were once the human followers of the Dark One.  They sought after
immortality (and got it, after a fashion).  They can be killed but do not
die of natural causes.  The spell that gave them this partial immortality
also mutated them.  They now look basically human but with twisted, mutated
features reminiscent of insects, spiders, and octopods.  They wear the
remnants of their ritual robes and are powerful spellcasters.

Ghosts
Eldritch creatures of indefinite, insubstantial form.  Ghosts hang around
graveyards or near where a person died.  A person becomes a ghost on dying
if he/she has substantial "unfinished business" in this world (such as an
unfulfilled vow or loved ones left behind), and if the death was sudden and
unexpected.   These ghosts tend to retain some human qualities and are
relatively benevolent.  The other type of ghost is that of a mean-spirited
person who "died hard" and whose passions and emotions refused to settle in
the grave.  This type of ghost wants nothing more than to bring others down
in death just as it was brought down.  You'll live longer if you can
distinguish between the two types!

Wraiths 
These are the jealous ghosts of miserly men.   A Wraith always hovers near
the site of its death, guarding some item of value.  These undead spirits
are powerful and can cast magical spells.  They also have the innate ability
to drain the health of anyone who ventures too near them.  Unless you have
magical protection, avoid Wraiths!

Necrotaurs 
These fierce monsters look like a cross between a Rottweiler and a bear that
has been dead for a very long while.   The nasty temper, razor-sharp claws,
and huge fangs make these good monsters to avoid.  Despite their appearance,
Necrotaurs are not actually Undead creatures.  They are alive and vicious.

Werewolves 
Legends say these are the victims of a terrible curse which manifests when
the moon is full.  The victim is transformed into a wolf-like animal with a
vicious attitude and a taste for human blood.  Only silver or magic can
affect the monster in Werewolf form.  Werewolves are frequently associated
with Gypsies.

Vampires 
Most feared of the Living Undead, the Nosferatu are also the most powerful.
They drink the blood of the living to maintain their unnatural existence.
They have a natural ability to charm their victims before sucking out their
life blood.  Vampires can also create other Vampires from their victims.
These new Vampires are slaves to the will of their Vampire creators.

Vampires are forced to flee the light of day, and must sleep helplessly in
their coffins.  Destruction of a Vampire is best done with a stake driven
through its heart.  At night, the Nosferatu are virtually invulnerable to
attack.  If the Vampire was a Magic User in life, it retains its magical
abilities as an Undead.  They are also reputed to have superhuman strength.
The Vampire is truly the most dangerous of monsters!

Remember the Successful Surviving Adventurer's Rule #1:  When in doubt, run
away!  There's a lot of room for doubt when it comes to the Monsters of
Mordavia.

DR. CRANIUM'S FORMULAS
This manual contains crucially important alchemical information for creating 
scientific potions (also known as copy protection for the floppy version).
When you deal with the good doctor, you may be asked to click on icons on the
five elements (Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Pizza) to create a certain
'formula'.  The names and formulas are:

NAME            FORMULA
Alkazotz	Pizza - Pizza - Fire - Water - Water
Betazene	Water - Fire - Water - Earth - Fire
Cranomea	Earth - Water - Fire - Pizza - Earth
Desertix        Earth - Fire - Earth - Fire - Water
Elkorn		Pizza - Earth - Pizza - Air - Air
Fliegnitz	Air - Pizza - Fire - Air - Pizza
Gargoil		Pizza - Water - Water - Earth - Earth
Hintline        Earth - Air - Pizza - Air - Earth
Ickyuckgoop	Water - Earth - Earth - Water - Pizza
Jollene		Pizza - Pizza - Air - Pizza - Pizza
Kickaptui	Water - Air - Water - Pizza - Earth
Laxabiff        Earth - Earth - Water - Earth - Water 
Mexacalish	Fire -Earth - Pizza - Fire - Pizza
Noxipyu		Air -Fire - Earth - Air -Earth
Ossipye		Earth - Fire - Pizza - Earth - Fire
Pentickle	Air - Pizza - Pizza - Air - Water
Quixoat		Water - Air - Fire - Pizza - Air
Romburn         Fire - Earth - Fire - Air - Earth 
Sumthin		Water - Pizza - Earth - Air - Air
Tamlin		Pizza - Water - Air - Earth - Water
Ultimo		Fire - Air - Pizza - Pizza - Pizza
Voltoffen	Air - Fire - Earth - Fire - Air
Whammbo         Earth - Fire - Earth - Air - Fire
Xasparil        Air - Air - Water - Air - Water
Yammer		Air - Pizza - Air - Water - Pizza
Zotzbrue	Water - Fire - Fire - Air - Water

